Failure

We're all friends here, right? No judgments, etc?

Good. I have some things I need to get off my chest :)

But first, here's a pretty picture my friend Jan Skurzynski took of Cedar last weekend at the fun match:



Talk about a smoke screen.

Anyways...

For the past few days, as the semester has begun to noticeably wind down and I have had a chance to breathe a bit again, I've been reflecting a lot on my graduate school experience.

I have been saying since this time last year that "grad school has taught me a lot about myself--a lot that I don't like."

I've really had this lesson beaten over my head the past two semesters. The most important thing I learned is that I do not handle stress very well. I'm unable to separate my personal life from my academic/work life, and it's really been detrimental to both my mental (and physical) health as well as my work itself. It doesn't help, either, that I've been diagnosed with depression. Yay!...not. But that's a story for another day.

To be honest, most of the time I regret going to grad school at all, because it's turned me into someone I don't particularly like. I've been flaky, mean, emotionally distant, and messy... a bad wife, friend, daughter, dog owner... and all I can say is that I'm glad it's almost over. To those I have hurt, I'm sorry. This is what happens when I get completely overwhelmed and overextended: I fail at life! haha. But all kidding aside...

Grad school has, most profoundly, shown my my limitations. And they're a lot more limiting than I would have thought.

I've learned that just being "good at school" is not enough to be successful in an MA program.

I've learned that "wanting something really bad" is not enough to make it happen.

I've learned that successfully managing a long distance marriage, and all that entails, is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

I've learned to be more careful about judging others... because outward appearances often paint a much different picture of their life than is actually the case.

I've learned to not promise other people things that I can't realistically do right now, even if I REALLY want to. It just makes me look like an ass.

I've learned the importance of not overextending myself, even though I still am doing that to some degree. It's just added stress. I've had to let some things go temporarily (like herding) that I really love... just because I can't devote the time and mental space to them right now. I don't know what's worse... not doing something you love at all, or only doing it a little and feeling bad that your mind and heart can't be 100% in. I think it's the latter, because I've tried the other way, and it just doesn't work for me.

Most importantly, I've learned that I really need to start standing up for myself and my needs. My tendency is to avoid drama and confrontation at all costs. I will cave in to other peoples' demands that I don't agree with, take the blame for things I didn't do, and apologize when I haven't done anything wrong... just to avoid tackling the real issues. And it eats me up inside. This last lesson was not learned specifically in grad school itself, but the circumstances of my life IN grad school have forced this lesson upon me in a big way.

Throughout grad school, I've been disgusted by my weakness. My inability to separate my personal life from my work life really affected me to the point of not being able to write or focus at all. I was (and still am not) the student and teacher I know I am, or am capable of being. No, I'm not getting bad grades. Nothing truly "bad" has happened. I have a 3.9 GPA, thanks to one A- in a sea of As. My students are, generally, doing well. But I feel like I could have done better. I'm disappointed that I didn't show my colleagues and professors what I really could do.

My dad getting sick last fall/winter really brought everything crashing down. Realistically, though, it was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back. Between my dad, school, teaching full time, my relationship, and trying to actively train my dogs in two different, expensive, and time-consuming sports, I was completely overwhelmed. And I shut down. I couldn't write--like, at all. I couldn't keep my house clean. I could barely train my dogs. I just walked around like a zombie, going through the motions. And, however dramatic it sounds, I feel like I'm just finally waking up again.

This "awakening" is due, in a large part, to the fact that I have given up on my thesis. I'm just now being able to talk about it, and I haven't told my parents yet. I'm worried about what they'll think of me. So... consider yourselves privileged :) Anyways... after struggling for months with my thesis, which just felt... wrong and like something I didn't want to do, and after a particularly horrible meeting with my adviser, I decided to give it up. I have never felt so free, and immediately after letting my adviser know, I knew that I had made the right decision for myself, even if it was a "failure."

I'm not sure what I'll do about graduation... at this point I don't really care. I'm signed up for two summer classes, but not sure if I can afford them. I guess we'll see.

Before grad school, I'd never felt like I failed--really FAILED at something. Like, can't fix it, can't take it back something. And it's been a bit difficult to swallow. But I've been trying to take the Don Blazer approach... that "failures" are really just information that show you your limitations in a particular situation. They don't define you unless you let them. And I have, until today, let them do just that.

But not anymore.

Cedar and Moss, thank you. I would be an even bigger wreck without you two.